All is Grace, Rodney Sr.

53 years ago on this day, Rodney Johnson was born. I have often wondered what type of childhood my dad grew up with. Knowing my grandparents and their unconditional love for their misfit kids, I can't imagine it was a rough one. Maybe poor financially (in the beginning), like most of that generation, but rich in love. 

I also wonder when the switch clicked and he thought that I didn't deserve that same love. I don't usually sit around and think about him, his birthday or his death but today feels different. 

I'm going to spend the rest of this post being as honest and as transparent as I can be. It works well for me. To my mother who I know reads everything I write, stick with me to the end. I hope to end this in a way that makes us all happy. But I ramble, so there is really no telling.

My childhood wasn't the easiest. My mom worked herself to death so that my dad could spend his nights and weekends out of the house doing whatever addicts do. For as far back as I can remember, my mom was my rock. She was my primary caretaker and although I know it was because she wanted to but he didn't leave her with much of a choice. I recall very vivid memories of my mom working night times and his idea of baby sitting was going to crack houses and letting me hang out with the ladies that frequent places like that so that he could do his thing. 

I remember coming home to men loading my bedroom furniture up on truck beds for what I can only assume to be sold for drug money. 

I recall the nights spent in shelters, whether battered women or homeless, because our house had be turned into the party house for the night/weekend. 

I recall the nights where police came looking for him. I remember wishing they would find him and lock him up forever.

I remember more memories like those above than I care to admit or continue to remember. But for every memory I remember, I have someone who would tell me that he was one of the greatest people they knew. Sober, he was the next best thing to Jesus Himself. I found it hard to believe because I rarely caught a glimpse of that sober superhuman. 

Life took a turn for the better on November 22, 1995 when we got a call saying that he had been in a car wreck and he was gone. I was watching Carolina play Villanova in the Maui Invitational. We beat Duke twice that year, by the way. Anyway, I remember my mother breaking down and me wanting so desperately to feel what she felt. I just couldn't. We went to meet with the family where my Uncle Jasen grabbed me up and apologized like crazy. I just couldn't find it in me to feel what everyone else was feeling. 

Since that night, I have rarely thought about it. I know that sounds harsh. I can't imagine lowering the bar for my children so low that it bothered them next to none if I were to leave this world. 

Over the past year, I have come to grow in the grace of Jesus. I've began to learn what that looks like and what that feels like and how people get it. 

Here is an excerpt from a book I finished today called "All is Grace" by Brennan Manning. 

"My mother had been dead and gone for close to 10 years. As I was praying about other things, her face flashed across the window of my mind. It was not a worn face like that of an old mother or grand-mother, but a child's face. I saw my mother as a little 6 year old girl kneeling on a window-sill of the orphanage in Montreal. Her nose was pressed against the glass; she was begging God to send her a mommy and daddy who would whisk her away and love her without condition. As I looked, I believe I finally saw my mother; she was a ragamuffin, too. And all my resentment and anger fell away.

The little girl turned and walked towards me. As she drew closer, the years flew by and she stood before me an aged woman. She said, "You know, I messed up a lot when you were a kid. But you turned out okay" Then my old mother did something she never did before in her life, never once. She kissed me on the lips and both cheeks. At that moment I knew that the hurt between my mother and me was real and did matter, but that was okay. The trusting heart gives a second chance; it is forgiven and, in turn, forgives. I looked at my mother and said, "I forgive you." She smiled and said, "I guess sometimes you get what you ask for."

When I read that today, I broke down like a baby right in the middle of the coffee shop I was sitting in. I believe my dad was a good person somewhere on the inside. I believe, like me, he wanted something more in life and out of life. He found it in drugs and alcohol, I found it in a loving, merciful Savior. 

My dad made some mistakes. We all do. Hey, I turned out okay, didn't I? Since I can remember, my mom has been my dad. I don't think that mindset will ever leave me. I'm sure there will be another post down the road about my thankfulness in that area. 

The night my dad died, he wrecked his car on the farm of a pastor. The first one to arrive and the last one to talk to him while he was breathing was the pastor. I don't know what was said, but I know that the pastor assured the family that on that day my dad accepted Jesus and ALL OF HIS GRACE. All is Grace. 

Til we meet again, Sr...Happy Birthday.

Love One Another...(Did I Stutter?)

Slow news week, right? Unless you live under a rock, I'm assuming you've heard that gay marriage is now legal in North Carolina. Yes, that's right, certain human beings now get to live like the rest of us human beings. Amazing concept, yeah? If you are on any type of social media, and I'm guessing you are since you're reading this, you know that Christians are as judgmental (lovingly?!) as ever. Not in their eyes of course. They're loving...from a distance...just like Jesus...oh, wait, Jesus loved up close and personal. That's so like that friend of sinners. It has absolutely amazed me how we handle people that sin differently than us. Honestly, it's sickening.

Since Friday evening, social media, news media, and I'm sure, bible studies all over this state have been hammering, not just a lifestyle that differs from their choice, but the people living that life style. I've seen everything from "those faggots want everything their way," to "go pray to your gay porn god." Again, it's sickening. It's gotten me thinking over the past few days, why have we (the church) cashed in all of our chips on this particular sin? Why do we ignore certain sins and go hard on homosexuality? This is a stretch, I know, but what if the church was consistent in it's approach to sin? Let's look at a few (ONLY A FEW)...

Gossip.

Wait a second here. I've been looking all over facebook and I have seen nearly no outrage towards gossip. Yes, maybe an obscure post here or there, but there is nothing near the level of anti-homosexual comments that I've seen recently. Odd.

Gluttony.

Holy cow...how many sermons and status updates do we get centered around this topic? Plenty, right? Huh? None? Dang...wonder why that is. Maybe it is because a majority of pastors partake is this particular sin. Can't preach on things we actually struggle with, can we? Might offend some of the people sitting in front of us. 

Hatred.

The bible says that if we hate with our heart, we are murdering.

Adultery.

Look upon a man or woman with lust? Yep, you guessed it...sexual sin. Guilty yet?

Oh man...my favorite...DIVORCE.

It's getting hot in here now, right? How many of you know a homosexual? Some, I'm sure, but I bet not a majority. Now, how many of us know someone who has been/getting divorced? How many of of those friends do we run up to shouting Malachi 2:16 at? Probably not very many. Jesus had very little to say about the actual act of homosexuality, but more broader in terms of sexual immorality. Guess what, guys and girls, that doesn't just apply to homosexuals, that applies to every single human being breathing right now. We are worried about homosexuals ruining the sanctity of marriage all the while we are sleeping around like we are trying to break some type of record. We are cheating on our spouses. We are trying to keep up with all the free porn we can handle. Guess what my heterosexual friends, that is sexually immoral behavior. And guess what else, in the eyes of God, that is as bad as the homosexual monster that you're so scared of. This "God Hates Fags" mentality that we have attributed to Westboro Baptist Church actually runs much deeper and broader than them. It has infected our churches, too.

At the end of the day, we are all sinners. It's just easier to pick out homosexuality because it only applies to roughly 1 out of every 16. It's easy to beat up on minorities. Honestly, I'm just over this holier than thou act that the church puts on. If it's not our sins, they're horrible. If they are our sins, we accept God's Grace like it is going out of style. 

Had this question asked to me the other day. "Is it judgmental to call people to repentance?" Almost laughable because it isn't that simple. That's not what is being done. We are treating human beings as less than human beings because we believe their transgressions are worse than ours. It's like me boycotting all-you-can-eat buffets and making them illegal because I can't handle them. How would you like that? What if I was standing outside of Golden Corral with a "God Hates Fat Slobs" sign? Pretty ridiculous thought. Why, when meeting a homosexual--we lose our minds and have a sudden grievance in our heart and feel that urge to call them to repentance? We meet a divorcee' and what? Not the same feeling, right? Why is that? God hates both, right? Could it be that the topic of divorce hits too close to home? Hypocrites. That's why we are losing a cultural battle and we are going to lose generations of people who could advance the Kingdom. We can't be consistent because it might affect our friendships, congregations, and maybe our families.

Here is what I AM consistent on, however. 

God loves you, as you are, not as you should be because we will never be as we should be. (Brennan Manning)

The better biblical answer? Hate the sin, love the sinner! Right? No. I'm suggesting something different. I am not sold on the idea that it is humanly possible to separate the sin from the sinner. I know you think you have it down pat but I am sure that if you did a really good soul searching, you would find that separating the two is harder than you think. I'm thinking I might have a better way. 

Love The Sinner.

Yes. Leave the sin alone. I have found it easier to love the sinner when I am focused only on loving them and not trying to fix their issues. Besides, as an active sinner, I have enough on my plate for me to worry about. I find it difficult enough to keep myself on the narrow road without trying to fix other people. I believe that if I love them (like Jesus) and they see Jesus in me and Jesus works through me, they will want what I have and I will be there to tell them how to get it. 

I'm sure there will be naysayers. I have grown quite fond of them over the last year. I know my thinking goes against the majority of church thinking but if I might say so, I believe the church has gotten it wrong in a lot of areas. How to handle sinners is just one of the many. I'm sure I will get to the rest eventually. ;-)

By the way, I just smirked thinking of the conversations some of you will be having while reading this. "How arrogant. He thinks he knows more than my church, pastor, sunday school teacher." "This dude is going to hell." "Wait, what does HERETIC mean again?" lol. 

Bring it on.

Ragamuffin Heretic

Ragamuffin -- "Brennan Manning wrote The Ragamuffin Gospel "for the bedraggled, beat-up, and burnt-out," the marginalized folks to whom Jesus ministered: the children, the ill, the tax collectors, the women. In other words, the ragamuffins. Manning understands better than most that behind our facades of order and self-assurance are inadequacies that can find healing only in Jesus. While the powerful and religious elite challenged him, Jesus embraced and healed and fed the needs of the ragamuffins. Jesus delivered love, healing, and, most of all, grace." (taken from Amazon.)

Heretic -- a person holding an opinion at odds with what is generally accepted. (Oxford Dictionary)

My lovely wife has been on me for some time to get back to blogging but for one reason or another, I've withheld. If you know me, you know I rarely hold back. Also if you know me, you know I am usually holding an opinion that is at odds with what is generally accepted, thus the definition of heretic. I'm different. I believe I have withheld from blogging because if I were to truly put to screen what flows through my brain, perhaps your brain would explode. I could be wrong. I suppose I could feel and say what others feel but are scared to say, but I doubt that is the case. Again, I'm different. There are times when I see certain people agreeing with my line of thought and it makes me stop and take a step back to reevaluate my thought process to make sure I am where I should be because if I am agreeing with THAT person, surely I can't be thinking straight. Today, while filtering through some of my thoughts and reading, I come across Acts 4:12 -- "And there is salvation in no one else, for there is no other name under heaven given among men by which we must be saved.”

Listen, God made me who I am and if that makes your brains explode, I'm (not really) sorry. There is no name under heaven that I have to please. I, like Paul, am working through my salvation and I am doing so with the only one that matter, JESUS. I don't know when I'll post another blog, but when I do, I hope for it to be thought provoking, perhaps challenging, but if nothing else, it will be real, raw, and me. Anything less and I would be someone else--but I want to be and think and feel and say and write like the person God created me to be. Hope you'll stick around for the ride.